Truth and realisations
by N Ashton
Summary: After finally believing that James was over Lily, he recieved a wakeup call. How can you move on and love somebody else when your mind and heart stay with the same person. One-shot, a sort of prequel to home is where the heart is.


Thought that I could do a one-shot, it's actually I think more of a small prequel to home is where the heart is.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor will I ever. Also the actual letter consists of the lyrics of TLC's song 'I miss you so much' which once again I do not own.  
  
Truth and realisations  
  
Where the bloody hell is Lily!!!  
  
I mean she's always on time and she doesn't forget when we have to meet on Head Boy/Girl business, so where is she thirty minutes later after our appointment was supposed to be?  
  
But I feel that some part of me is glad that she is late because I'm still trying to get my mind around what I've just done.  
  
I was with Amelia. I was supposed to be dating Amelia, have been for the last six weeks in fact. Amelia is a stunningly pretty girl and she's great to hang out with but ever since I saw Lily flirting with that idiot from Ravenclaw at dinner last week, my hearts not been in this relationship, it's been elsewhere with Lily.  
  
I thought I was over Lily, I really did. But it never occurred to me that just because I was dating somebody, Lily could be too. And then it hit me like lightning last week that I would never get to date Lily, all those years of chasing after her would all be wasted because 'I gave up'. Now every time I have been with Amelia since, I wished I was with Lily. Every hug or kiss I gave Amelia, I wished I were giving them to Lily. It's killing me and it's not fair to either of us.  
  
I think Amelia sensed something was wrong, that was probably why she did what she did. She probably thought I was getting bored and she'd need to do something big to keep this relationship together, like sleep with me.  
  
I groaned lightly and rested my head in my hands. But I didn't do anything, I couldn't. If I felt guilty just hugging her while thinking of somebody else, I'd probably hate myself for sleeping with her while thinking of Lily. So I did the only thing I could do; I rejected her. It was for the best and I was amazed at the self restraint I had, but it cut deep when I saw her turn away with tear's in her eyes because even though I have never loved Amelia like the way I do with Lily I still care at least. Lily would probably punch me if I did go through with it and then told her that I was thinking of her the whole time and it would ruin any percent of chance of ever dating her, not that there was any to begin with.  
  
I hear the portrait door open and lift my head to gaze in that direction.  
  
"Finally," I said irritably. She looked surprised when she heard my voice. But I was surprised when I saw the tear tracks down her face, why had she been crying?  
  
"What are you doing here?" she said coldly, what is with her?  
  
"We had a meeting, or did you forget?"  
  
"Sorry" she replied but she sounded anything but. "I just figured that you would be with Amelia," she put extra emphasis on the name.  
  
What the hell is she on about, granted I was with her before but... well you know what happened there. "Why'd you think that?" I asked but she remained silent. She came and sat down on the couch with me, dropping her books on the table in front of us.  
  
"Any reason to why you're late?" I asked. This time I got a response even though it was just a shrug of the shoulders.  
  
"I've been..." I started but she cut me off,  
  
"Can we just get on with the meeting, it's late and I'm tired."  
  
"Fine,"  
  
"Fine," she added.  
  
We talked about the problems we were facing but every time that I came up with a solution, I was greeted with a short deadpanned response, which was usually negative. Normally, I would sneak glances at her but today I didn't want to risk it, she was obviously mad about something. After me saying what I thought about the prefect duties and I got another 'whatever' I'd had enough.  
  
"What is wrong with you today?" I gritted out through my teeth.  
  
"Nothing," she replied quickly, too quickly and my eyes narrowed. One thing I know about Lily is that when she's pissed, she'll give you hell so you get worked up and react.  
  
"For some reason, I don't believe you," I said.  
  
"Not my problem."  
  
"Like hell it is," I replied.  
  
"Has it occurred to you that, maybe, you have the problem," she said, her voice rising.  
  
"Don't turn this around on me, you've been off since you came through the portrait door," I pointed to the door. "You're the one who was late and you're the one who isn't responding to anything I say," I said, my voice matching hers.  
  
"Get stuffed, go and make out with Amelia I'm sure she'll calm you down."  
  
"Why do you keep bring Amelia into this. Are you mad at her and letting your frustrations out on me."  
  
"What? Yeah right, James," she replied and made to move out of the room. I grabbed her arm though and she wheeled around to face me. When she looked deep into my eyes though my anger dissipated, and I knew that by getting mad at me was her way of covering up how upset she was. But upset about what? The next thing I know is that her lips are on mine, but it wasn't sweet like I'd imagined a kiss with Lily would be like; the kiss was forceful.  
  
Don't ask me why, because I'll never know but I pulled away. "What is with you?"  
  
"I'm sorry," she says touching her lips with her fingers, her eyes wet. "I- I just overheard Amelia talking to her friend Janet about how she was going to sleep with you and..." she started saying but stopped as though she realised she was speaking out loud. "Oh no," she said groaning, sinking to the couch and repeating those words, tears falling freely.  
  
"What are you talking about," I said, generally confused.  
  
And that's when she said it, she looked directly and deeply into my eyes and said voice croaking, "I love you!"  
  
"But the other day, you were flirting with that Ravenclaw..." I said reasoning, sinking down to the couch to join her.  
  
"I was trying to make you jealous," she replied slowly. "Guess it didn't work to my advantage, hey." The silence that followed her voice was deafening. I was so confused, more than I was earlier and to be honest I was glad when she left through the portriat hole muttering a small 'goodbye'.  
  
I had no idea how to play this one. The love of my life just told me that she loved me, she was jealous that I had found somebody so she tried to do the same to me and boy did it work. Oh Merlin! It came flooding to me why she was so upset; she thought I had slept with Amelia. But now I didn't know what to think, I was confused. Did she just say that she loved me because she was jealous or did she genuinely, truly, deeply love me?  
  
I've loved Lily nearly all my years here at Hogwarts and all that time she has hated me except for this year. We made a pact that if I didn't hassle her in any way, shape or form, she would accept that she would have to work with me and try to be as 'civil as humanly possible'. It worked, or had done so far. We'd become good friends, in due course she had found out about Remus' condition and she was really supportive towards him but never changed the way she acted around him. At first it was really hard to just be friends, when everyday she did something that made him feel she was even more perfect than he had previously thought.  
  
I shifted in my seat and let my gaze travel around the room, on the portraits, the bookcases, the windows and the table in front of me. James the word jumped out at me. It was on one of Lily's parchments. I lean forward, intrigued. It was a letter and there were tons underneath, dating back to the beginning of November and it was now nearing the end of December. James I care about you, I think I'm falling in love. At least I now knew that she had cared about me. I took the letter that was addressed with today's date.  
  
To James...  
  
I never asked for this feeling okay and I never thought I would fall! I never knew how I felt till the day you were gone, you were right I was closed off before. I never asked for red roses, I wasn't looking for love, but somehow I let my emotions take hold and guess what? All at once I'm in love.  
  
Why did I act like you mattered and was it silly of me to believe that if I just opened my heart things would come naturally? I guess the jokes on me James. I did not ask for love letters so why did you give them to me. How could I let your intensions get over on me and I'm so in love with you; I'm so not me.  
  
And how I hate what you have done, made me fall so deep in love, God knows you're the only one I want; the one I love.  
  
I miss you so much James and I long for your love and it scares me because my heart gets so weak that I can't even breathe. How can you take things so easily? Why aren't you missing me?  
  
-Lily  
  
I smiled when I thought about my previous gifts of affection. I had never thought that she could ever care this much about me. I had to talk to her but it felt like she had left ages ago. I rushed upstairs quickly to my dorm and grabbed the Marauders map and left before I could any of my fellow roommates could utter a word.  
  
"I solemnly swear I am up to no good," I said while running down the stairs. I searched franticly for that dot labelled Lily and made my way quickly to the lake when I knew she was there. Glad that nobody could ask me where I was going because I was Head boy.  
  
She was sitting right up next to the lake, her hair flowing back, her pale skin glowing in the moonlight and once again I'm struck by the thought that she was perfect.  
  
"Lily," I whispered. She turned quickly and looked at me. "Can I join you?"  
  
She got up and said, "I was just leaving."  
  
"Lily..." but she kept walking. So I said the only thing I know that would make her stop. "I never slept with Amelia," she froze in her tracks. I walked up to her and said quietly, "I couldn't. Your attempts to make me jealous succeeded," I continued, smiling softly. "I couldn't get you off my mind, and I know that it wouldn't be fair to Amelia if I made love to her while I was thinking of you."  
  
She turned to look at me; I mean really look at me. Her emerald eyes looked deep and she slowly smiled. I leaned I and covered my mouth with hers. This time the kiss was sweet and for lack of a better word perfect. We took the time to feel each other's mouths and I let every thought drift out of my head.  
  
She pulled away, and said breathless, "what do we do now?"  
  
"I don't know," I replied pulling her to me in a hug.  
  
"Can we just, I-I dunno keep us a secret for a while, I mean I don't want the pressure from our friends for us to work out."  
  
"Anything you want Lil', I've waited this long, I can wait for a few more months before we have to go public," I replied softly, thinking along the same lines. There would be too much pressure, but right now I was finding it hard to care with Lily fitting so perfectly into my arms, her breath tickling my neck. I think I just found my slice of heaven and there's no way I will ever let go. 


End file.
